Somewhere in the world, a baby was being born.  His parents were very happy about this boy’s birth, and, as luck would have it, the boy grew up to be a great man who revolutionized the science of plumbing, and earned great fame for himself.  This story has nothing to do with him, except for the fact that it’s likely that, if things had gone differently, perhaps there would no longer be a need for plumbing, as there would have been no one alive to appreciate it.  Also, somewhere else, a writer is wondering about fantasy, and why so many stories involve this so called “chosen one,” who saves the world from evil because it is his destiny to do so.  This writer suddenly wondered why they (whoever this ‘they’ is that makes these decisions) always seemed to pick the right chosen one, since it doesn’t exactly seem to be an exact science.  I mean, how do they figure out who the chosen one is, anyways?  So the writer thought for a bit, and the idea began to grow into a story.  The author sat down to write, and realized something essential as his pen touched the paper: all fantasies need a damsel in distress.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I pushed Anna, my horse, a little bit harder, knowing that every second I wasted meant that Princess Patty might be nearer to death.  Dragons may take prisoners, but never for long.  Most people didn’t really care that much about the Princess, but that didn’t mean that she should die such an unpleasant death.

The assorted bones of both man and beast along the roadway suggested that I was probably drawing near to the dragon’s lair.  The anticipatory taste of battle filled my mouth with its sickly, sweet aroma, my excitement building.  Soon the air was thick with acrid smoke and the telltale, unpleasant smell of dragon breath.  I tried to keep the repugnant smell from overwhelming me by holding my breath, and, when I needed air, breathing only through my mouth.  The technique was only mildly successful but it kept me from becoming nauseous, a condition which can spell disaster on the battlefield.

Anna slowed then reared up, finally realizing what was ahead, so I caressed her mane until she was calm enough to stand still, although I could have sworn she was shaking, and slid off her back.  I petted her gently and gave her a carrot from my saddlebag before leaving her behind and advancing into dragon’s lair.  Here the gray walls of the canyon were dyed red with the blood of all those who had come before me and been far less successful than I hoped to be.  Assorted suits of armor and other remnants of the dragon’s dinners lay scattered about the scorched remains of what was once a field of grass that ran through the bottom of the canyon.  Ahead of me was the dark mouth of the cave, which, most likely, housed the dragon and his most unfortunate ‘guest’.  Summoning up my courage as I had done at least two times before, I trudged forward into the cavern.

The smell in here was so strong that even not breathing through my nose, the taste filled my mouth and managed to communicate the taste of rot, burnt flesh, and general dragon odor to my brain, almost causing me to lose my hastily purchased lunch from the village, and that mutton hadn’t been cheap.  I quickly managed to control my body’s attempts to tell me to get out of there, and continued on, using the flint I had brought with me to light a stick that I had hastily procured from the skeletal hand of someone who had had the same idea in the past.  Now I could see that the cave was much smaller than I imagined, and the dragon was looking at me intently, wondering what had brought yet another meal to it in such short order.  Dragons were always fond of fast food as long it was coming to them quickly, not running away.

We stared at each other in surprise for a few seconds, its head about as large as my entire body, and then it gave me the type of grin that might not look so bad if the teeth inside the mouth smiling it weren’t able to bite you in half.  I could hear shouts coming from behind it, which I assumed belonged to the princess.  Well, at least she was still alive, maybe she could get out while the dragon was distracted with me.

“What brings you here, human?”  The dragon hissed at me, making me jump in fright.
The other dragons I’d barely managed to kill had never spoken to me, so this was rather disconcerting, and I suddenly felt displeasure at the idea of ending the life of an intelligent creature.  However, I kept my cool and replied, since it didn’t seem like it was going to eat me right away, “I came here to rescue the princess that you took prisoner… Will you give her up willingly?”

The dragon laughed harshly and deeply, “She didn’t seem too upset when I rescued her, since, at the time, she was being carried off by a barbaric pig… you know the type.  He was rather plump and juicy, though… unlike you,” the dragon laughed again, this time more unpleasantly, “maybe you should ask her if she wants to leave, if you don’t take my word for it, though.  Go on, darling, tell him.”

The princess emerged from her hiding place behind the dragon, beautiful as would be expected, and completely unscathed.  Her blonde hair cascaded like water over her shoulders, and everything else about her was cliché princess, too, so I didn’t take too much notice of all the other details as she began to speak in an unexpectedly deep voice, “I don’t want to leave… you see… we’re in love.  And everyone treats me like an insignificant piece of dust, so I’ll never go back there, no matter what!”

Well, I thought, this is certainly an unexpected turn of events.  My brain churned, trying to come up with some way of completing my mission without disrespecting the princess’s wishes.  The dragon certainly seemed agreeable, so I didn’t feel in too much danger as long as I didn’t make him angry.  If I had been my brother, I simply would have killed the dragon and taken the princess for myself, but I most certainly was nothing like my brother, meaning that my solution would most likely end up being more diplomatic.

“This wasn’t at all what you were expecting, is it?” the dragon asked with what seemed to be a bemused smirk, “You thought you’d just come in here, kill the dumb lizard, throw the princess, who will be hopelessly enamored with you, onto your horse, then ride back home for a wonderful wedding, right?”

I began to nod, “Well, all except for that last bit, yes,”

“Well, whatever the case,” the dragon went on, “this isn’t that kind of story…”

“’Story’?  What do you mean ‘story’?”

“Ah, never mind,” the dragon muttered something about metafiction, then directed his attention back to me, “So, now that you’ve seen that things didn’t work out like you expected, what are you going to do?”  The dragon seemed genuinely interested in how I would respond.

“Well,” I thought out loud, “that’s what I was actually wondering, and if you’d give me a bit more time, I might have an answer for you…”  I usually had the upper hand in these situations, so this new experience had me totally off balance and unsure of what to do next.

“Well, I suppose I’m willing to wait a while, although I happen to be slightly hungry, so I’d suggest you quickly either come up with something or leave.”  I was growing fond of this dragon, so I decided that whatever solution I came up with would be most beneficial for the dragon and myself.  I no longer cared about the princess or the reward I’d receive when I returned to the castle with her, although I was sure that I could think up something that would work for them, too.  Suddenly, it dawned on me, and I laughed at my newly developed plan.

“So, I take it you have an idea,” the dragon said, trying to hide his anticipation, “well, do tell,”

“Okay,” I began, both excited and happy to have thought of something as brilliant as I had, which would make everyone happy.  Everyone except the king and queen, that is.  “I’ll take Patty back to the castle and collect the reward from the king… don’t interrupt me, I’ll bring her back, don’t worry… anyways, the king will surely expect me to stay and have a wonderful night with his daughter, since the knight is, I suppose, supposed to woo the damsel he rescues… don’t worry, I won’t actually do anything, I just want him to think that I will… where was I?  Oh, yes, then, when night falls, I’ll sneak out of the castle and bring my horse to Patty’s window, where I’ll bring her back to the cave and the two of you can live happily ever after.  Then I’ll leave you and continue on to wherever the path takes me.”  The dragon winced at my last words and I thought I heard him whisper “cliché” under his breath.  After the initial reaction, there was a short silence as the princess and the dragon both thought about the idea, and then laughter as the two saw how well it worked.

“Then,” the dragon added, “the king will send his soldiers to try to save Patty, and I’ll have a steady food supply for weeks!”

I nodded, the smell of the place suddenly getting to me again.

After some short goodbyes, the princess and I mounted Anna and rode east, the setting sun we rode away from painting the landscape red in all directions

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We were greeted happily when we arrived at the castle.  The king and queen were, of course, ecstatic that their daughter had been rescued, and they planned a magnificent ball in my honor, where the princess and I would dance before the assembled guests.  This went according to plan as well, since after the dance, I was supposed to take Patty to her chambers.

The ball would be a great social affair, attended by most, if not all, of the dukes, counts, and other assorted figures of nobility in the region, and would be a chance for the king and queen to march their daughter around like a show animal in order to make themselves look good.  Despite my rapidly dissipating dislike for the princess (I had spent time with her, she really wasn’t so bad) I felt that she wasn’t being treated well at all.  I was happy to remove her from their hands once again, this time, we all hoped, for good.

The ball had been planned before Patty’s abduction, to be held on the night after the morning that I rescued Patty, and, I noted with surprise, the king and queen had proceeded as though nothing was wrong, not postponing the ball upon their daughter’s capture.  Something about this didn’t seem right to me, but, I supposed that they were confident that they could get her back in time, or perhaps they simply wished to go on with their lives as normal.  I kept my mind open on the subject, but I would keep a watchful eye on the queen and king tonight, just in case there really was reason for my concern.  In the few hours before the ball, they gave me a deluxe room at the top of one of the towers, which I rather enjoyed, although I wondered why someone of my lowly status would receive such a great room.

When I tried to leave the room, I began to suspect other things about the room I had been given, as well.  Upon opening the door, I found a guard stationed there, watching me very closely.  As I tried to leave, he barred my path, “I’m sorry, sir, but on order of the queen, you are not to leave this room.”  Looking out the window, I knew that trying to escape via that route would prove deadly, meaning I was trapped until the ball.  I couldn’t help but wonder why, though, they were so desperate to keep me here, against my will, even.  I tried asking the guard why I was trapped here, but he remained absolutely silent.

I had been impatiently waiting for a few hours, sometimes trying to sleep, other times trying to annoy my captor out of spite for my imprisonment, when the king, a plump man who couldn’t walk more than ten steps without becoming severely winded, waddled into the room and tried to catch his breath.  There was a brief, uncomfortable silence as I waited, my worry being replaced by amusement as I watched, for the man to stop leaning over.  His motion had caused multiple parts of his anatomy to begin moving, and now, as he hung there gasping, he jiggled in a multitude of directions.  I could see the guard purposefully trying not to look in, as he had seen this display before, and the mere imagining of it had him holding back a bout of laughter that would surely result in an unpleasant reaction from the king.

I held my composure as the man’s body returned to its normal, more or less static, upright state, and he began to speak haltingly, still tired after his physical exertions, “Maligo, I must assure you the queen and I are,” he took a gasping breath of air, “very sorry for the fact that we’ve,” another gasp, “posted a guard around your room… You see, we,” he gasped again, then began to cough and wheeze, causing parts of him to wiggle again, and his face to turn roughly the color of a cherry, and I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing aloud at his plight.  Eventually, after the king had stopped coughing and jiggling, he continued, “Uh, where was I?  Oh yes, we want to make sure you stay for the ball; it’s sure to be a most glorious occasion.”

I decided now would be a good chance to interrupt the king’s attempt at easing my worries, “I’m sorry, Your Majesty, but Maligo is my brother, I’m Virago.”  If he had heard of me, I would surely be removed from the castle at once, otherwise, they would most likely keep me for whatever foul purpose they had in mind.  I wasn’t planning on staying long enough to find out what that purpose was.

The king looked surprised and worried, then his face began to glow like a fire as he smiled and spoke tensely, “Well, I’m sorry for the confusion.  Do you know where your brother might be?”

I winced at the question.  My brother and I parted ways when I left home a few years back, and I had been happy not to have run into him, although I heard tales of his deeds.  Towns burned to the ground, yet he was there to save a few people from the rubble.  Travelers slaughtered, yet he was there to protect them.  How could people be so blind?  “My brother and I aren’t on good terms; I haven’t seen him in over three years.”

The king seemed to look through me for a few seconds, his face still burning, and a multitude of thoughts, visible as specters in his eyes, lazily drifting through his head.  Finally, his eyes regained their focus, “I see.  Well, then, I suppose you will make a suitable replacement.”  Without another word, the king spun around and hobbled out of the room.

Now I knew that whatever they had in mind for me had before involved my brother, although things hadn’t gone as they had planned.  Surely, it had something to do with the ball this evening, and possibly the princess, as well.  I was now more suspicious than ever, and I decided that once I had made my escape, I was going to put as much distance between myself and this castle as possible.  Sooner than I expected, these thoughts and worries were interrupted by the guard telling me that it was time to head down to the ballroom, and that I should look my best.

The ballroom was crowded with clustered couples conversing, most clearly nobility, as their dress was far too gaudy to belong to anyone of a lower class.  In amongst the nobility were a few people who were fairly wealthy, although, based on the more practical clothing they wore, they clearly weren’t of the highest level of society.  The ballroom had two levels, a main dance floor, where the majority of the couples were crowded together, and a smaller second level, which was reached by one of two matching staircases, both made of a material that shone like pearl and curved up to the balcony.  This elevated area was reserved for the king and queen, as well as their family and guests of honor, of which I learned I was one.  The princess sat by the queen’s side, looking quite glum, although upon seeing me, she gave a smile and wink, which, fortunately, was ignored by those around us.

However, the figure sitting to the side of the king grabbed my attention, and I had to pull my eyes away before my staring gave myself away as not being the hero that they thought me as.  He had received his father’s strong figure, as well as his strong facial features, however he’d also acquired his mother’s bright eyes that sparkled with life and a mind capable of intense thoughts, as well as the slightly silly smile on his face.  I tried to remind myself that I wasn’t going to come back here, but the thought of him here was beginning to weaken my resolve.

Soon, though, the prince was out of sight, and I was facing the princess again.  We acted as we had planned, as though we had become close over the course of our short journey, and as though she was happy to be back and not planning to set foot outside the castle for a long time to come.  All lies, of course, but if they suspected me, both of us would be out of luck.  We continued making small talk and feigning laughter until the musicians below began to play the first notes of the evening, and men grabbed the ladies they were speaking with to begin dancing.  I, of course, grabbed Princess Patty and began using my natural grace to impress those watching with the turns and promenades we were able to perform at any tempo.

Patty was a fine dance partner, and for the first time in a while, I realized with a smile, I was actually dancing with someone of equal or perhaps even greater skill than I possessed.  Those dancing around us gave us plenty of room to move, and those who weren’t dancing stood, watching us with enthralled amusement.  The king and queen seemed especially happy that the princess and I appeared to be such a good couple on the dance floor.  It was at this point that all the things I had been suspicious of connected in my head.  I practically stumbled, but, with Patty’s help, was able to recover.

Thoughts raced through my mind at the realization of what the queen and king had been planning, and I began to worry that things could soon become more complicated than I expected.  This was supposed to be an engagement ball for the princess, and I would have no choice in this matter.  The ball hadn’t been canceled because the king and queen had planned Patty’s abduction by the barbarians in the hope that Maligo would come along to rescue her.    
The king and queen had wanted to marry Patty off to my brother by placing her life in danger, although I still wasn’t certain as to why.

I certainly wasn’t going to make it easy for them to carry out their objective, however, and this recent turn of events wouldn’t ruin the plans Patty and I had made.  Now, though, I had to wonder why the king and queen would want their daughter to marry my brother.  That answer came to me rather quickly as Patty and I did a promenade around a couple that had bravely ventured closer to the center of the balcony.  They wanted to marry her off to the man destined to become the greatest hero ever to be seen in this land for either his wealth, his fame, or both.  We were both pawns in the game the king and queen were playing, and I couldn’t help but wonder what part the prince played in this, and what he thought of the treatment of his sister.

The dancing continued for another hour, and then a servant came into the room, ringing a bell and proclaiming in a haughty voice that, “dinnah is sahved.”  The king and queen watched me out of the corner of their eyes as we began walking toward the stairs, and I couldn’t help but notice them smile and nod in satisfaction when I took her hand and led her down the stairs as I was expected to do.  The way the king and queen were using her made me sick, but soon it would be over.

We sat down at a huge table that was set heaping with fresh bread and fruits of all varieties, as well as many kinds of wine for us to sample at our leisure.  The king and queen sat together at the head of the table, and they instructed me to sit in the position closest to them, on the king’s side, while the princess sat across from me.  I was both excited and nervous when the prince sat to my right, however I dedicated myself to looking at Patty and pretending that the two of us were in love.  I hoped I was convincing, although it was certainly a hard part to act.  The king and queen both seemed convinced, though, which, I assumed, was mostly because they wanted the look I was giving her to be one of adoration.

I jumped when I felt a jab in my right side, and turned to find the prince grinning at me, “You’d better eat up, I don’t see how you can be a proper warrior when you’re so skinny like that.  With your body, you’d probably be better suited to the life of a housewife than the life of a warrior!”  The exclamation brought the eyes of the entire table upon the prince, who sat there, still smiling, not realizing that the eyes were looking in shock and horror at the comment, not in amusement at the humor he’d intended the comment to carry.  The queen spoke, first, “David, have you no manners?  Maligo is here…”

“Virago, actually… he’s Maligo’s brother,” the king explained before the queen went any farther.

“Ah, I see,” the queen said slowly, failing to hide the displeased surprise in her voice.  “In any case, Virago is our guest, and, even more importantly, is the man who saved your sister’s life, have you no gratitude?”

“Yes, if it weren’t for this wonderful man, Petty…” the king coughed, something I was rapidly becoming convinced that he did often, “Patty would be dead now.”  I looked through the room to see if anyone had noticed the slip, but if they had, it was ignored by all but Patty, who now glared at her father for the unfortunate slip of the tongue.

“I don’t care,” said the prince through a bite of the pork that had been delivered to the table, “a hero has to be bigger than that, or he can’t do much of anything.”  He was a rather funny sight, with the area around his mouth shining with the grease from the meat, and I was unable to reconcile this image with the one I had seen in the ballroom just a short time ago.  I watched him take a swig of wine to wash down the pork, then turned back toward the princess, no longer wishing to look upon the boy who sat next to me, not wanting to corrupt my image of him any farther.

The rest of the meal went by quickly, in periods of silence occasionally broken by the king and queen, before the room was once again plunged into silence save the sounds of consuming the plentiful food.  Soon, servants bustled back and forth in the dining room, clearing away the remaining food and used dishes, and small conversations had begun between all present.  I made meaningless small talk with the king and queen, and they told me about their childhoods as though they were completely normal people, not rulers of an entire country.  Yet behind it all, I could hear an air of condescension in their voices that made me uninterested in the story they were trying to tell.  Finally, I was saved from the increasing discomfort I was feeling in the conversation by the king, who struck his wine glass with his fork and stood.

Looking over the crowd as though standing a great distance above us, he addressed those before him with a smile which looked painted on by a child, “I think now that we should take the time to make mention of the hero whom we have to thank for the festivities of the day, for otherwise today would be a day of mourning.  A toast to Virago, hero to our family forever!’  Glasses rose high into the air with drunken shouts of affirmation from those who had had a bit too much wine, and then all were seated to listen to the king once again, “Now, I’m sure Virago would like some sort of reward for his efforts in saving Petty, I mean, our daughter,” he corrected himself quickly, and once again, Patty and I were the only ones to take notice.  All eyes turned to me expectantly, and, upon catching Patty’s eye, she gave me a little conspiratorial nod.

I stood and surveyed the crowd, all expectantly waiting for the words that I knew I was supposed to say.  “Well, if you wish to give me a reward, I won’t argue with you, although what could I ask for?”  The audience knew what was coming, and yet they sat on the edge of their seats, enthralled, eager to hear me say the words.  I was leading them on like the pied piper.  “I desire only one thing from you, Your Majesty, and it’s a rather simple request.”  The audience was now holding its breath, so I paused just a bit to add to the effect, and I noticed with satisfaction that there was not a sound in the room save for the fire crackling in the hearth.  Finally I spoke, as though the words were the most important I had ever uttered in my life, “I desire your daughter’s hand in marriage, Your Majesty, if you would so oblige me.”  I smiled as I heard the entire room exhale as one and begin breathing again.

“Ah, I see that you are a romantic, hero!” Exclaimed the king with a hearty laugh that was far too forced to fool anybody into thinking it authentic, “well, then, let this become an engagement ball, and let us toast this new, young couple as they go into the world!”  I found it sad how readily he bought the act going on before him, but it was working to the advantage of Patty and me, and soon we would once again be free.

We returned to the ballroom, and the dancing continued once again.  Those who weren’t dancing talked in hushed tones about us, as though somehow this wedding would have some big impact on their lives.  I felt both pity for their ignorance of the plan that I was soon to carry out and for the way they seemed to have nothing more important to do or speak of than the events they had just witnessed.

Soon, though, Patty gave me the signal that it was time for us to go to the room to put our plan into its final stages of action.  The king and queen smiled as they watched us leave, thinking we were off for more private activities in the bedroom.  Once away from the eyes of the partygoers, we began to run down the hallway, she leading me around turns, and down stairs until we had reached her room on the first floor of the castle.

Once in the room, I closed the door and looked outside to make sure the route was clear as Patty began gathering some of her more important belongings.  Once sure that no one would see me, I leapt from the window and onto the ground.  I had seen where the stables were when I arrived, and Patty had let me know where they were in relation to her room, so now I ran as quickly as I could in that direction, where Anna awaited my return.  I had bought Anna a few years back from her abusive owner, and the two of us almost instantly bonded.  By the time we began adventuring together, we had the ability to sometimes understand each other’s thoughts, which could often mean the difference between life and death.

I entered the stable and quickly found Anna, who had become excited when she saw me enter, and now waited eagerly for me to free her from captivity.  When I approached, she rubbed her head against my chest, and I held her there, trying to comfort her some in her fear, and taking some measure of comfort in return from having my friend close by once again.  Once I felt ready, I mounted Anna, and the two of us rode back toward Patty’s room, where I could only hope she was ready to flee.

I heard her muffled shouts from the room as I got closer, and spurred Anna on, hoping I would be able to get there before whoever had come into the room ruined the plan I had so brilliantly concocted.  Anna rode up to the window, and I jumped into Patty’s room, finding her being restrained by her father, who had come both to give me my reward, and to see how the two of us were getting along.  The king was surprised to see me leap through the window, and in that moment he released Patty enough that she could land a solid elbow into his bulbous stomach, which caused him to release her and fall to his knees in pain.  She grabbed up the sack of gold, which I had earned for her rescue, and I helped her onto Anna as the king tried to recover himself.

“Why?” he asked, instead of trying to stop us again, since he knew I would be able to overpower him, “You’re a roaming knight, don’t you ever get lonely?  Don’t you want to settle down with my daughter?”

His words made me laugh, and before I could stop myself, I had responded, revealing the information I had tried so hard to hide, “Of course I get lonely, but I’d much rather have your son than your daughter!”  Both of them gasped as I hopped onto Anna and spurred her to motion, leaving the astonished king behind with the knowledge that I had hoped I would never reveal to anyone here.

Soon, as the castle faded into the distance behind us, and the canyon loomed ahead, the princess recovered and began to laugh loudly and uncontrollably, finally turning to me and saying, “Wow, I can’t believe you said that to my father.  You know you’ll never be welcome there again, right?”

I nodded, “Yeah, but why would I want to go back?  I’ll stay with you and the dragon until I’m sure that you two are safe there, and then I’ll be on my way to wherever the winds of fate take me next.”

Patty still looked concerned, “My father will send men after me, you know… he won’t give up his gold and fame easily,”

“Let them come, the three of us should be able to handle them.  This way the dragon has a steady food source, at least.”  I finished the sentence with a smile, and then the two of us burst into laughter as the grey walls of the canyon closed in around us.